Natasha - The Artist

I am a filmmaker… I am an inspirational filmmaker… I am an inspirational filmmaker in the making. Oh, how to begin this post.

I am a filmmaker. I am currently seeking the right people and the money to create an inspirational feature film.

About two years ago, I saw a girl on a city bus. Our car being repaired, I took the bus to work — which rarely happens. I sat quietly, observing people coming in and thinking about the day ahead, about their family, money problems, their ex they wish they hadn’t broken up with… I thought to myself “wow, I should take the bus more often, I see so much”. Then I noticed Abigail. The bus full and no more seats available, the teenage girl was standing near the front. She was inside herself, wondering why life was giving up on her, why she was in her body not being able to be happy. She didn’t look at one person in that bus, from fear of being judged or… from fear of meeting that one person who can tell her who she really is.  How I wished at that moment I knew how to help her find her heart.

I took out a notebook and started writting about her. I wrote about how she finds herself, how she fulfills all her dreams. I wrote about the people she encounters on her path and how they help her discover who she is, how she falls in love with herself and her heart. I wrote about how she discovers happiness and how she is guided to her ultimate future.

Today, two years later, my notes have become a feature film script. I have fallen in love with Abigail and all the characters in her life, as they are all a part of me. They ARE me. The movie is me, not about my life — but who I am at every moment.

I know this film will be made and will be successful. Abigail will inspire people, teenagers especially, to follow their heart and their instincts. Every time I think about Abi and the movie, I am attracting the right people for this film — I feel it in my heart. An example — Jessica wrote a comment on my last post, inviting me to visit her myspace page and listen to her music. I cried when I heard the first note. She is the one. She will create the music for Abigail. I invite you to be mesmerized: http://www.myspace.com/jessicaleiathompson.

If you want to see this film, I invite you to comment on this post. The more people demonstrate interest, the more the right people will be attracted to be a part of it.

Much love,
Natasha
xxoo

I finished writing my first script for a feature film and I realized that I absolutely love writing (I kind of knew that before, but now I’m sure). When my head doesn’t get in the way and I write from the heart, I can write for hours. I just finished my script and I am already thinking about the next one I will be writing. I am also thinking of how to direct the film I just finished writing. So, I think I will simply jot down my new ideas and concentrate on directing first.

I know my film will be produced AND distributed AND be very successful. I feel it in my gut. I have never directed before, but for some reason, I just know I am directing this feature film. I see it clearly in my mind and my heart. I just have to convince a producer that I can do it, and do it well for that matter. I will do that by developing the storyboard!  

Gotta go… I’ve got a storyboard to do!

Revenge of the Hunted, a film by Aaron Floresco of Past Perfect Productions, was chosen by the “Run for your Shorts” film festival in Canada’s National Capital Region to be screened tonight, the last night of the festival.

I play the lead - Karin, a twenty-something woman who tries to move on with her life after getting out of an abusive relationship. Her ex, Ryan, doesn’t want things to end and moves along with her every step of the way. Trying to ignore Ryan while on a date, Karin decides that she must confront her stalker.

I saw the film for the first time as it was screened on Monday of this week, at the ACTRA - Ottawa gala, where someone pointed out that the film reminded them of the style of David Lynch — true! It was difficult for me to judge the film, as I wasn’t really watching the film or listening to the dialogue, but mostly listening to the audience’s reactions. People laughed, gasped, became quiet and started breathing again. This film contains everything.

If you would like to attend the screening, the details can be found on the festival’s Web site: http://www.cineo.ca/.

Our minds are constantly flowing with thoughts. Actually, flowing might not be the best choice of words… Our minds are constantly bombarded by thoughts, thousands of them per day. You know what? We choose to be bombarded by thoughts. We choose to listen to our own thoughts, despite what they are. They are the source of our stress, anxiety, impatience, and also of our happiness and joy. They also make us distracted. When was the last time you truly listened to your friend telling you a story? Without thinking about the story you want to tell? Without thinking of what you need to be doing at that moment? Without thinking of what you should have done that morning?

As an actor, thanks to many great teachers, I learned that the number one crucial thing in acting is listening. To be present with another actor, to make it about him or her. When you listen, you allow the other’s words to hit you, creating a natural reaction, free of ego, that is mesmirizing to watch. This is a great technique. But, why aren’t we taught to apply that in our everyday life?

Constantly listening to our thoughts while another is speaking is actually a way to feed our ego and to hide who we truly are. And we are all guilty of that, including yours truly. That’s the way we are taught, to live with our egos — because that’s the way our parents were taught, and their parents, and so on. We all want to feel important, needed, knowledgeable, you name it. We think that the way to do that is to make sure our words our heard as soon as a split second of silence appears in a conversation. Instead of listening to what the other is saying, we end up listening for a slight moment where we can jump in, and concentrating on what we want to say so we don’t forget it. When we end up getting our ‘moment’, we blurt out our words, without realizing that the person standing in front of us is also not listening, because they found something else they want to say. 

I have been practicing listening in my everyday life and I have had conversations where no words were spoken but were much, much more meaningful than ego-filled exchanges. You can discover so much more about another person and about yourself if you just let go and free your mind.

I dare you to try it today. To truly listen, you need to free your mind of your thoughts – ignore them basically. You need to concentrate on the other person, just make it about them, and don’t judge. Oh, and breathe… You’ll know why when you try it.

If it doesn’t work the first time, just keep trying. It takes practice. A great hockey player doesn’t make it to the NHL without having played for years.  

Let me know how it goes.

It’s been five months since I quit my full-time job at the government. At first, I took on many contracts, worked a few weeks as Production Coordinator and Graphic Designer on a show, took on more contracts, then more… Then it hit me. I was taking on all those contracts for the money. I was becoming overloaded with work and obsessed with making more money, in case I wouldn’t have any contracts the next month. I was miserable. I slowed down. I took on less and less jobs. I made less and less money, but I’m still here five months later. I am budgeting differently, limiting my expenses, but I am happier. I realized that I like graphic design, but I am really doing it just to survive. My true passion is acting. I am craving it, enough that I don’t feel like doing anything else. But acting isn’t cutting it money wise right now; so I have to kick myself to take on at least a few contracts a month.

It’s been five months… Five months of independence, non-scheduled days, no one to report to, freedom. I am happy. I love it. I don’t like having a routine to follow. It’s also the end of thirty-three years of routine, schedules, reporting to parents, teachers and bosses. It’s like reprogramming my system to live a completely different life. I’ve been programmed that you ‘have’ to work for a company with a boss to survive. You ‘have’ to have money to live. You do what society expects from you. For the past five months, I have done exactly the opposite.

My body is in shock. It’s grieving. It has realized that this is it. This is how it was meant to live. There’s no turning back, I’m too happy. So I grieve. I have reached the point where I don’t know what to do now. It’s like I am at the point of no return and I am confused about how to keep moving forward. Looking at the future right now is like looking into the abyss. Although it’s really like that all the time, we never know what tomorrow will bring, but in my case right now, I am letting myself feel it more. I face the unknown in a much stronger way than I used to.

Two years ago, I spent a weekend at a solitary camp not far from where I live. I needed the isolation from reality, and the quiet of the country. I got there the Friday around dinner time. It’s a great place. I had my individual cabin, with a wood stove and no electricity. It was amazing. I walked in trails all over the huge, wooded property. I was at peace. I would go pick up my food at the ‘kitchen’, a cabin near the entrance of the property, and bring it back to my cabin to cook it. Simple foods were always on the menu: potatoes, cucumbers, tomatoes, all kinds of veggies, fruit, cheese, milk, whole grains, … I picked up my water at a source about a 7 minute walk from my cabin.

The weekend was going so well. I was getting my energy back, energy I had been lacking for years. I was talking to no one (which is mandatory at this camp). Being an introvert, working in a very open area full of contractors at the time, plus raising a family at home, I never had, or took rather, the time to be by myself, to be quiet. So this weekend was a God send.

Sunday morning, I go out for a walk in a trail in the woods. After being out for about twenty minutes, I hear howling… like a wolf. Struck with panic, I freeze for a moment, trying to talk myself into just keep going. I loose it and turn around and run back to my cabin. I think it took me five minutes to run back. I catch my breath and make myself some lunch. While eating, I can’t get out of my head: “What am I doing here? I should be home with the kids. I want to go home.” My husband was picking me up the next day after dinner. I still had a day and a half to go. “Oh God, what now?”

I lay on my bed, crying, scared that I wasn’t doing the right thing. I decide to walk to the main house to call home so my husband can pick me up that same day. I knock on the door, a priest appears in the doorway. The place is run by Catholic priests, they don’t talk religion at all, unless you bring it up. Which is good for me, because I don’t practice anymore. They are there to listen if you need to talk. When I suggest I want to call home to leave, he kindly asks me to sit and chat before I do so. So I sit. He explained to me that I was at the point where my body was relaxed, I was truly with myself, and my body was starting to panic because it wasn’t used to that. I was used to always being busy, always having something to do, so I was now feeling guilty because I wasn’t ’doing anything’. He suggested I stick around just to see what would happen, to keep myself ‘busy’ by reading the books I had brought or by drawing. So I did, and how glad was I to have stuck around!

The Monday was amazing. I starting seeing things around me in a completely different light. It’s like I could truly see life. I heard things I had never heard before. I went back to my favorite spots to take mental pictures so I could return whenever I wanted in my dreams. At the end of the day, I was waiting for my husband and kids. I sat on a bench up on a hill. I had an amazing view. The wind was blowing gently on my cheek. I closed my eyes to feel it more. Then I heard a voice. I was channelling my guide for the first time. I was truly at peace with myself. I was grounded and centered. Holding on despite what my head was telling me was the best thing I could have done.

What I am feeling today, the confusion about where I am going, what I should be doing, is just like what I was feeling that Sunday afternoon. I think I should find myself a job, what I am doing is ridiculous. Who am I to ‘defy’ what society expects from me? You see, I am about to embark in the greatest journey of my life, and my body is resisting it. It’s trying to bring me back to what it’s used to — to the illusion of safety. I just have to stick with it. I have to keep riding the wave and not look back.   

The show eMOTIONal ended last Sunday. Like after every other show I’ve done, I’ve been kind of depressed this week. Wondering what the next thing is going to be. The work I did on this show was intense, not just acting wise, but I did all the graphic design for it too. It was fun, but I’m on a down this week with much less work to do.

I did practically nothing the past few days, trying to think of a project I could undertake. I thought of it yesterday morning: I am publishing a book. Within the next few weeks, I’ll have my book finished and ready for publishing. Some of you might say: “you can’t just finish a book in a few weeks!”. But you don’t know my idea! Ha!

Oh, and I want to paint a lot more too… I sold three paintings during the show last week. Yeah!

On a completely different note, I had my scene study class on Monday night, in which I discovered that I have a bitc# hidden inside me that I love but I am scared to show. She came out in class, now I can use her in my work. My teacher also made me realize that being a Francophone (from Quebec more specifically), I have an outgoing, loud and unapologetic personality that is missing when I am working in English. I try to become a true Canadian Anglophone — quiet, conservative and subtle. That not being my true personality, it makes my acting untruthful. So, I really have to think in French and speak in English — which I have ironically been told before, but have ignored it from fear of being “too loud”. But that’s what makes me “me”. I can no longer ignore that.

So, on to the next thing… finalizing my book while I keep going to auditions, promoting myself as an actor, painting, doing design work… Much better than working 8 to 4 for the government!