Next Step — Don’t Be Scared October 1, 2007
Posted by greenlavender in Art, Emotions, Empowering, Energy, Healing, Health, Inspiration, Life, Love, New age, Personal.2 comments
I met with this amazing person last night, who taught me how not to be scared. My latest posts were worrying me, thinking I was writing that I needed to be scared to keep moving forward. So I asked the Universe for help. There it was last night. Am I ever so grateful! It is the first time I feel like I do today. I feel like I am living in a different body. I don’t feel like my stomach will burst out. The fear butterflies I used to have have been replaced by exciting butterflies. Happy butterflies.
I have reached a new chapter and this is only the beginning.
So please disregard most of what I have written in the past week or two about fear. If you are scared to move forward, ask for help, it will be there.
Much love.
How’s Self-employment Life? August 22, 2007
Posted by greenlavender in Acting, Art, Design, Emotions, Energy, Healing, Inspiration, Life, Personal, Random.1 comment so far
I quit my government job on June 30, 2007, already with a few Web design contracts in hand. Enough to support me for a bit. Plus, I will be getting money from leaving the gov. as a backup if I need it — later though, in a few months.
First week of July, I find myself working as a volunteer production coordinator on a great play. I worked like a dog – and I absolutely loved it! Wow! It felt great. Of course, I worked on my contracts at the same time, so it was 18 hour days for me. Now, the show is over. Back to full-time graphic and Web design. I love graphic design. But right now, most of my big contracts are government contracts with hardly no graphic design to do. It’s basically back to what I used to be doing. I can charge more, but what’s the point if it’s not what I want to do? I have been taking these contracts in fear of not having enough money next month, or the month after.
What’s this doing to me? I am sick. I am sad. I feel like I am turning away from my true path. All these contracts are taking so much time that they are preventing me from doing the work I am meant to do. I want to work on art related projects. I want to act. I want to write screenplays. I want to paint. I need to. That’s my true path. That’s what makes me feel complete. I feel empty right now.
I am working on one very interesting project at the moment, but even that one I find myself pushing the deadline to its limit because of other contracts. Enough.
I consider this to be the first lesson in my new life. I want to help people listen to their instincts to help them follow their path. To do that I need to do it myself, I need to be an example.
There are 2 contracts I have not yet signed. I won’t.
I entered a 7-day screenwritting challenge. I have to write a feature film in 7 days. Having already started one, I thought this was a great idea to stop my procrastination. But when I am getting sick trying to manage everything all at once, it’s not worth it. I also found myself writing nonsense just to finish it. I will finish my script, just not for Friday — for next week 
I will finish my painting that has been sitting there for months. It’s my painting of Diana and her two sons. I have been wondering why I needed to paint that. For the past few weeks, I have been noticing it more that usual. I have to finish it. Yesterday, I read a magazine article – next week is the 10th anniversary of her death.
I already feel better having written this post. It’s like a contract with myself to not take on any more contracts I don’t want.
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Update - Sept. 18, 2007
I finished my painting of Diana, plus I painted 5 more canvases. I am moving along really well with my screenplay! I even have trouble taking breaks from writing.
Fat Pig by Neil LaBute — What I Haven’t Talked About August 14, 2007
Posted by greenlavender in Acting, Art, Emotions, Empowering, Energy, Entertainment, Food, Healing, Health, Inspiration, Life, Love, New age, Personal, Plays, Random, Show, Spirituality.2 comments
Breathing Time Productions‘ presentation of Fat Pig by Neil LaBute just closed this past Saturday August 11 in Ottawa. I was Production Coordinator for the show. I had an amazing time. I worked with a fantastic cast and crew. I had been dreaming for years and years about making this kind of art and here I was doing it. It almost felt surreal to me. And how amazing to work on this particular play.
The first time I read Fat Pig I thought I was bored half way through. Urrgh, not another thing about society’s judgment of what’s different. After attending the first week of rehearsals, I found out I was not bored at all; I had been shutting myself down to not be affected by my strong feelings for the subject matter. You see, what was affecting me the most was that the actress playing the overweight lead character, Helen, is a good friend of mine. I had been listening to her for months make comments about how she felt judged by people because of her weight, how she felt like hiding, how when she would pick-up McDonald’s at 1:00am to keep her weight up for the play she would stop eating at a stop light so the person in the next car would not notice… Not being overweight myself, having never experienced being overweight, I always thought she was just being dramatic and her lack of confidence made her see things in a negative way.
I was resisting writing about this. I am grieving. Deeply. I have been since the first week of the show and have been ignoring it until now. Seeing people’s reactions to the play, reading this particular review (http://www.cityjournal.ca/article-128371-REVIEWFat-Pig-cuts-close-to-the-bone.html – unfortunately, the article is no longer on the cityjournal Web site), seeing how difficult these roles are for the actors, has affected me. It has opened my eyes to this cruel world. This world is CRUEL, hurtful, mean, … Why is this world cruel? Because this world is SCARED. Scared of dying, scared of abandonment, scared of famine, scared of poverty, scared of being alone, scared of not being loved, scared of failure, … We listen to people who feel the need to control. Why do some people need to control? Because they are scared… of all the same things. It’s a vicious cycle.
I am grieving. Grieving the fact that I have ‘ignored’ this cruelty since my birth. Ignored my friend thinking she was being dramatic, when in reality people are afraid of her, of what she ’as fat’ represents. I am sorry C.
Why hasn’t this hit me before? I already knew about fear and it’s consequences. So why this? Now? Because this realization has reinforced my purpose. Working on Fat Pig has helped open a handful of audience members’ eyes about fear and cruelty. It means that I can keep working on projects like this, projects that can contribute to changing the world. It means that if I write from the heart, like LaBute, about these kinds of subjects, I can change the world.
Why can’t you do it? July 29, 2007
Posted by greenlavender in Emotions, Empowering, Energy, Healing, Inspiration, Life, New age, Personal, Random, Spirituality.5 comments
Why can’t you do it? Follow your dream that is. Why not?
Say that again. Does your answer make any sense whatsoever to you? Or does it seem like it would make more sense to other people, like a parent, a teacher, a friend? We are brought up to believe many things, including some that put us down and make us doubt that we could ever do something we’ve always wanted to do. But those comments people make, our loved ones, are most often said in fear. Fear dominates our lives. Fear of failure, fear of poverty, fear of not being loved, fear of abandonment, and I could go on and on.
Fear is the number one block preventing us from moving forward, and from letting others move forward.
Face your fears, you will be free.
What Traits Do You Think An Artist Needs? March 7, 2007
Posted by greenlavender in Acting, Art, Design, Healing, Inspiration, Life, Personal, Random, Spirituality.3 comments
What’s cool about WordPress is I get to see which search terms people used that led to my blog. I get all giggly when I see my name in that list…
Today, someone found my blog by searching for “what traits do you think an artist needs“. That completely struck me. I immediately needed to write about it.
What traits do you think an artist needs?
I believe there is an artist in all of us. We might not excel in every art form, heck we might not excel at any, but there is still that artist in us. It’s a question of opening up the body to allow for the creativity to flow. There is no need for a specific trait. Ok, maybe if you want to make a career out of being an artist — that’s different. It’s like making a career around the law, there are specific traits you need to be a lawyer (I definitely don’t have them), but you don’t need any particular traits to be interested in it, I certainly am — I could even say I find the law fascinating, but I wouldn’t become a lawyer.
If you are considering becoming a career artist, the one trait that is key is preferring the unexpected, the spontaneity, no routines. And also being able to kick yourself in the butt when resistance kicks back (oups I promised I wouldn’t mention resistance anymore)… OK, so kick yourself in the butt to keep moving forward. There, that’s better.
Bottom line is, everyone can express their inner artist. There are many art forms to help you do so. You might not like drawing or painting, but you just might like playing musical instruments, or singing… or acting. Let’s not forget dancing, sculpting, photography, jewelry making, gardening, ceramics, architecture, textiles,… You get the picture.
Artistic expression is also great meditation. I am the most mindful when I paint. The wandering thoughts that seem to go through my mind all day simply vanish and give way to creative expression. I feel refreshed, calm, serene.
Most importantly, do it for yourself, not for others. Never forget that.
I Am Grieving… And It Feels Great. February 19, 2007
Posted by greenlavender in Emotions, Energy, Healing, Health, Life, Personal, Spirituality.7 comments
I am grieving and it hurts. But I try to sit in it and experience the entire thing; it’s feeling and feeling feels great. I discovered I was resisting it tremendously. I mean I knew I was resisting, but I never thought this much.
I had a great chat with two amazing friends tonight, and our time together seems to have unlocked my grief somehow. I am one step closer to healing. Thanks to both of you… you are wonderful.
