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Scared, sad, angry, happy… December 14, 2006

Posted by greenlavender in About a Medium, Acting, Art, Life, Personal, Spirituality.
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I just finished a week long acting class with the great Michèle Lonsdale Smith from Vancouver. What an experience it is. Not only does it greatly improve one’s acting, but also the way one lives. My life has changed since taking her classes. It has helped me open up in ways I could never imagine.

I am sad that the class is over. I am sad I am going back to work tomorrow. Just because I know I am doing this job for the money and security. I don’t particularly get excited about what I do in my day job. I am still doing it because I have a hard time not believing it’s an obligation to my family. Actually, it’s mostly out of fear of insecurity. A good friend of mine once described the public service as a golden cage. Let me explain: a job with a great pay, great vacation, many sick days, great benefits, fully paid parental leave, and so on. Sounds like heaven huh? Well, I’m sure it is for some people. I am not one of those people. It was great when I had my babies, but now that they are in school (my youngest starts next year), it’s not as great anymore. I drag my feet out of bed in the morning, until I am positive and tell myself that it’s gonna be a ‘great day’. Then I feel better. But still, I ignore my feeling of disgust about it. Eventually, it creeps up and hits you like a tone of bricks: YOU ARE NOT DESIGNED TO WORK A TYPICAL 9 TO 5 DAY JOB.

So why am I so scared to go after what I enjoy doing? The illusion of stability gets in the way.  … huh, I just had a revelation by writing that. I am not afraid of instability, I am afraid of success. Afraid of what might be waiting for me.

I know something huge is meant for me, but I don’t know what, when, why or how… I just know. It scares me. Michèle has taught me to sit in my fear, enjoy it, and ride the wave of life. It just might lead me to amazing things!   On the way home from class I did just that, sit in my fear. For the first time I truly felt fear, instead of dramatizing it and covering up with confidence. I am still confident, but I will allow myself to be afraid… once in a while. 🙂

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Comments»

1. Ereek - December 20, 2006

Ugh… that hits home…
hard…
E

2. Vision interpretation — need your help. « Natasha - The Artist - January 16, 2007

[…] been having the feeling that whatever is meant for me, remember: Something huge, but I don’t know what, when or how… will be happening soon. I have new guides accompanying me since last week — a few […]


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