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The Point of No Return December 7, 2007

Posted by greenlavender in About a Medium, Acting, Art, Design, Emotions, Empowering, Energy, Family, Healing, Health, Inspiration, Life, Love, Metaphysical, New age, Personal, Random, Spirituality.
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It’s been five months since I quit my full-time job at the government. At first, I took on many contracts, worked a few weeks as Production Coordinator and Graphic Designer on a show, took on more contracts, then more… Then it hit me. I was taking on all those contracts for the money. I was becoming overloaded with work and obsessed with making more money, in case I wouldn’t have any contracts the next month. I was miserable. I slowed down. I took on less and less jobs. I made less and less money, but I’m still here five months later. I am budgeting differently, limiting my expenses, but I am happier. I realized that I like graphic design, but I am really doing it just to survive. My true passion is acting. I am craving it, enough that I don’t feel like doing anything else. But acting isn’t cutting it money wise right now; so I have to kick myself to take on at least a few contracts a month.

It’s been five months… Five months of independence, non-scheduled days, no one to report to, freedom. I am happy. I love it. I don’t like having a routine to follow. It’s also the end of thirty-three years of routine, schedules, reporting to parents, teachers and bosses. It’s like reprogramming my system to live a completely different life. I’ve been programmed that you ‘have’ to work for a company with a boss to survive. You ‘have’ to have money to live. You do what society expects from you. For the past five months, I have done exactly the opposite.

My body is in shock. It’s grieving. It has realized that this is it. This is how it was meant to live. There’s no turning back, I’m too happy. So I grieve. I have reached the point where I don’t know what to do now. It’s like I am at the point of no return and I am confused about how to keep moving forward. Looking at the future right now is like looking into the abyss. Although it’s really like that all the time, we never know what tomorrow will bring, but in my case right now, I am letting myself feel it more. I face the unknown in a much stronger way than I used to.

Two years ago, I spent a weekend at a solitary camp not far from where I live. I needed the isolation from reality, and the quiet of the country. I got there the Friday around dinner time. It’s a great place. I had my individual cabin, with a wood stove and no electricity. It was amazing. I walked in trails all over the huge, wooded property. I was at peace. I would go pick up my food at the ‘kitchen’, a cabin near the entrance of the property, and bring it back to my cabin to cook it. Simple foods were always on the menu: potatoes, cucumbers, tomatoes, all kinds of veggies, fruit, cheese, milk, whole grains, … I picked up my water at a source about a 7 minute walk from my cabin.

The weekend was going so well. I was getting my energy back, energy I had been lacking for years. I was talking to no one (which is mandatory at this camp). Being an introvert, working in a very open area full of contractors at the time, plus raising a family at home, I never had, or took rather, the time to be by myself, to be quiet. So this weekend was a God send.

Sunday morning, I go out for a walk in a trail in the woods. After being out for about twenty minutes, I hear howling… like a wolf. Struck with panic, I freeze for a moment, trying to talk myself into just keep going. I loose it and turn around and run back to my cabin. I think it took me five minutes to run back. I catch my breath and make myself some lunch. While eating, I can’t get out of my head: “What am I doing here? I should be home with the kids. I want to go home.” My husband was picking me up the next day after dinner. I still had a day and a half to go. “Oh God, what now?”

I lay on my bed, crying, scared that I wasn’t doing the right thing. I decide to walk to the main house to call home so my husband can pick me up that same day. I knock on the door, a priest appears in the doorway. The place is run by Catholic priests, they don’t talk religion at all, unless you bring it up. Which is good for me, because I don’t practice anymore. They are there to listen if you need to talk. When I suggest I want to call home to leave, he kindly asks me to sit and chat before I do so. So I sit. He explained to me that I was at the point where my body was relaxed, I was truly with myself, and my body was starting to panic because it wasn’t used to that. I was used to always being busy, always having something to do, so I was now feeling guilty because I wasn’t ‘doing anything’. He suggested I stick around just to see what would happen, to keep myself ‘busy’ by reading the books I had brought or by drawing. So I did, and how glad was I to have stuck around!

The Monday was amazing. I starting seeing things around me in a completely different light. It’s like I could truly see life. I heard things I had never heard before. I went back to my favorite spots to take mental pictures so I could return whenever I wanted in my dreams. At the end of the day, I was waiting for my husband and kids. I sat on a bench up on a hill. I had an amazing view. The wind was blowing gently on my cheek. I closed my eyes to feel it more. Then I heard a voice. I was channelling my guide for the first time. I was truly at peace with myself. I was grounded and centered. Holding on despite what my head was telling me was the best thing I could have done.

What I am feeling today, the confusion about where I am going, what I should be doing, is just like what I was feeling that Sunday afternoon. I think I should find myself a job, what I am doing is ridiculous. Who am I to ‘defy’ what society expects from me? You see, I am about to embark in the greatest journey of my life, and my body is resisting it. It’s trying to bring me back to what it’s used to — to the illusion of safety. I just have to stick with it. I have to keep riding the wave and not look back.   

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Comments»

1. Nancy - December 7, 2007

I know what you mean. It was one of the reasons I needed to move out on my own: to be alone with myself and appreciate me. However, I realized that I’ve still attempted to fill every spare minute with “stuff” and “noise” so that I don’t have to do that.

It also makes me wonder if change is so good for us, if all the new stuff we are doing will lead to greater fulfillment, why do our bodies resist it so much? Why do we resist it so much? Why do I resist it so much?

Thank you for your post. It’s coming at exactly the right time.

2. MartinB - December 7, 2007

Holy cow! C’est comme une claque sur la gueule ce blogue. There’s a lot of myself in there. I guess we artists are pretty much the same. My brain is going 100 miles per hour at the moment. I know exactly how you feel.

Great blog Nat! It actually triggered something for my part. Makes me wonder a lot about my futur.

3. Shaw - December 12, 2007

I have a friend, a co-worker, whose office is decorated with various handmade signs of encouragement–a self-actualized sanctuary in a less-than-healthy work environment. One of the signs reads, “Everyone doing it doesn’t make it right.” It’s a seemingly obvious message, but every time I read it I am reminded of how unnatural it feels, at least initially, to live one’s life in a way that does not perpetuate the larger culture as it exists in its state of dysfunction. The pull to “survive” (i.e. get a job, pay the bills, put up with it all) is strong, especially with the mouth of financial debt gaping in horror at our attempts to live transcendentally. Every day I struggle with this pull. Every day I resist the idea of giving in to the larger culture. It doesn’t make for a comfortable life, but I know that being comfortable is not at the heart of being alive. The body, the self, they find a strange comfort in pattern, no matter how self-destructing the patterns are. One of the things that has helped me the most when I have regressed into old patterns is tenderness. Thank you for sharing your kindness.

4. tobeme - December 13, 2007

What you describe is the feeling that we all get when we are on the cusp of great change. You are on the threshold, it always seems scary when you are about to take that step over to the other side.
Great story, thanks for sharing.

5. Idetrorce - December 15, 2007

very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
Idetrorce

6. dovelove - December 20, 2007

Wow, it’s a potent time in your life, and you’ve got a lot of courage and determination. I can very much relate to your experience, and as well the being alone thing. Even though I’m innately hermit-like, I do tend to be a busy one — especially always needing to keep my mind busy. And I’m finally coming to realize that’s an escape from me 🙂 my emotions, past traumas, unhealed, um, “stuff” 🙂 Those things tend to come up when our minds are quiet — that’s why most of us seem to have an incessant need to always be doing something…

And very cool about channeling your guide 🙂

If your journey is anything like mine, you may be at the beginning of a long and kinda rocky road. But the changes that will come from your courage to go the distance will surely be worth it all. Yep, you will likely slip back into the old patterns now and again — it’s kind of a roller coaster ride — but per my experience, the Universe has a way of continuing to nudge ya’ outta those. And if that doesn’t work, it’ll throw lotsa big ole “monkey wrenches” that tend to bust up our plans to return to those old patterns 😉 Endeavor not to fear it, you will “look back,” but that’s just part of the healing.

“Who am I to ‘defy’ what society expects from me?”

You’re Everything 🙂 Defy without fear and you’ll win 🙂 “Society” is just a mirror of you, the problem is what YOU expect from you. Change your expectations to embrace who you truly are 🙂

Peace,
Dove

7. greenlavender - January 14, 2008

Thank you so much to all of you for sharing your thoughts. Reading words of encouragement, and that people share the same feelings, inspires me to keep writing.

Much love,
Natasha

8. songdeva - January 20, 2008

Natasha! How have you been?? This post speaks for me too…I’ve been planning my own post on the same subject. I’m always amazed how similar our experiences with spirit and creativity are. Our and probably that of many others, huh? Do you remember reading on my blog last March that I did a play locally? A lot has happened since then. Stop by and read today’s post if you’d like. It’s the start of much that I have to share about this. Be Well!!

9. greenlavender - January 22, 2008

SongDeva! My spiritual double. 🙂
I am so happy things are going well! Can’t wait to read more!

Love,
Natasha


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