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What not to be, or… To be? June 4, 2012

Posted by greenlavender in "Time For Me" Blogs, Emotions, Family, Healing, Health, Life, Personal, Spirituality/ Well-Being Links.
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My last post freaked out my Mom. Can’t say I blame her, she’s a mother and her only kid writes to the world that she’s depressed. The thing is, I am so in touch with my body that I know when something is “wrong” and know that I need to change something, so I wasn’t worried. That being said, you might ask why, if I am so in touch with my¬† body, did I let it get as far as depression.
The answer is… I am human. I can resist change as much as the next person. I knew for quite a while that I was resisting changes happening in my and my family’s life, but my belief about what I thought I “had” to do during that period was overpowering my instinct to just “chill” and ride the wave. And that is… Ok.
I went through (and still am a bit) a rough period in which I have learned a lot about my way of thinking and reacting to certain situations, and I am adapting.
My major lesson boiled down to my quote in my blog’s header: “Chill, life is what you make of it”. And also that my only “mission” in life is as simple as “to be”, not try to be anything or anybody.
So, I started singing lessons. ūüôā

“Listen To Your Heart” – A Bedtime Song For My Kids October 21, 2009

Posted by greenlavender in Family, Inspiration, Life, Love, Personal.
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The best time to teach your kids about life is at bedtime, when they are relaxed and listening attentively¬†to your bedtime song. I wrote this song over a year ago and sing it to my kids¬†almost every night. Now, my daughter sings it along with me and says¬†it’s for me as much as it is for her. She is seven years old… Very perceptive child.

I originally wrote the song in French, but translated it for the purpose of publishing it to the world.

Listen to your heart
You will be free
Follow your dreams
You will find joy
Above all
Love yourself
This world needs you
The true you

Embody your youth
Your pure soul, your innocence
Until the very last day
With every beat of your heart

Your fears aside
Nothing can stop you
Believe in yourself
Aim high
What you can achieve
You decide

What is said of you
Comes last
Your own thoughts
Create your reality
I love you
With all my heart
With everything you do
I am proud of you

Feel free to add your own beat to it and sing it to your kids… or your parents. ūüėČ

Enjoying The World’s Perfect Beauty March 12, 2008

Posted by greenlavender in Family, Inspiration, Life, Personal, Random, Travelling.
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At 2am this morning, my husband, my two sleeping kids and I drove¬†up to our house to find our driveway completely clear of snow. “Yeah!!!” we told ourselves. After getting 52cm (approx. 1’6″)¬†of snow the day before, we were hoping that the 14 year old boy we asked to shovel while we were away for a week would get some help. He did, thank goodness. He had the key to the house which meant also access to our snow-blower in the garage.

What a perfect week we had. On March 4, the kids embarked on a plane journey for the first time. It was¬†wonderful to watch them marvel in the beauty of the sky. It got me to see it for the first time again. How amazingly perfect is this world! At supper time, we landed in sunshine and warmth — wonderful Cuba. On the bus ride to the hotel, the cows,¬†goats, roosters,¬†palm trees, cactus’s, mountains, horse drawn buggies, old cars (we saw Flo from the movie Cars), all made my kids’ eyes as big as ‘loonies’ (a Canadian 1 dollar coin). “Regarde Maman!” they kept blurting out (“Look Mom!”). We could have turned around and hoped right back on the plane at that moment and it would have all been worth it. But more marvelous wonders were awaiting.

At the hotel, the Blau Costa Verde Beach Resort, an all-inclusive resort — it being our first trip with the kids, we wanted no¬†worries about money and food¬†— the kids, my husband and I enjoyed good food, a great beach, pool, room, everything was perfect. It’s a small resort, only 209 rooms, so it was quiet and we could find available pool chairs at anytime in the day. The staff was friendly and we met wonderful people from just about everywhere.

Being¬†fifteen minutes away from¬†the town of Guardalavaca, there¬†were many excursions available. We had originally planned to do two, but one was attracting us most particularly, especially for the kids, and it being the most expensive, we only did the one. On Friday morning, we took the bus to the marina where we embarked on a huge catamaran, made to fit 80 people. Going against the waves around the island, our voyage was just like an amusement park ride. We were served drinks and snacks by the most friendly Cubans working just for us, to ensure we were all having a good time. We stopped near a coral reef, where my husband enjoyed snorkeling. I jumped in the water with my daughter, all ready with our snorkeling gear, she panicked¬†first and wanted to get back on the boat. I didn’t complain — I have had this fear of¬†swimming in open waters since I was a child. I was hoping to conquer it this week, but alas, I gave in to it.¬†I¬†will one day¬†face it since it’s one of my last big fears I¬†want to work on. My husband got to see beautiful, colorful¬†fish (he saw Dory from Nemo), which he described perfectly for us.

Just before lunch, we stopped at the national aquarium where we got to swim with the dolphins. Wow, they are amazing creatures! I felt like they are very well treated, despite being in captivity. There were two babies and one dolphin was pregnant — when they reproduce it means they are happy. When I pet the first one, I was taken aback by the texture. Expecting it to be hard and like leather, I was surprised to feel rubber¬†over very¬†soft tissue. I was afraid to hurt it by petting it to hard. They were absolutely amazing and my kids said it was an experience they would never forget. We got a photo of the four of us and the dolphins giving us a kiss.

On the way back on the catamaran, it was smooth sailing — literally ’cause they took the sail out and we were going with the waves. We sat on a net at the front of the boat¬†where you can see and feel the water beneath you. The Cuban landscape was beautiful.

The rest of the week was mostly relaxing by the pool and at the beach. We picked seashells for our friends; saw plenty of Hermit crabs and lizards. The kids participated in the entertainment at night. They also made great friends.

Yesterday, our voyage was ending. What a great ending it was!!! On the plane back, after a wonderful meal, I turned my head to peak out the window. A tear rolled down my cheek. A carpet of dark clouds was framed by a bright orange strip. The sun was setting. Looking up, a gradient of light blue to the deepest dark blue I had ever seen was endless. The combination of the orange and the blue barely touching was magical. The finishing touch was the tip of the plane’s wing, like a dark shadow with a single light at the end beaming a greenish glow. It was absolutely perfect, like the most beautiful painting.

What a wonderful end to our trip. It was even better when we got home and could pull into our driveway. ūüôā

The Point of No Return December 7, 2007

Posted by greenlavender in About a Medium, Acting, Art, Design, Emotions, Empowering, Energy, Family, Healing, Health, Inspiration, Life, Love, Metaphysical, New age, Personal, Random, Spirituality.
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It’s been five months since I quit my full-time job at the government. At first, I took on many contracts, worked a few weeks as Production Coordinator and Graphic Designer on a show, took on more contracts,¬†then more… Then it hit me. I was taking on all those contracts for the money. I was becoming overloaded with work and obsessed with making more money, in case I wouldn’t have any contracts the next month. I was miserable. I slowed down. I took on less and less jobs. I made less and less money, but I’m still here five months later. I am budgeting differently, limiting my expenses, but I am happier. I realized that I like graphic design, but I am really doing it just to survive. My true passion is acting. I am craving it, enough that I don’t feel like doing anything else. But acting isn’t cutting it money wise right now; so I have to kick myself to take on at least a few contracts a month.

It’s been five months… Five months of independence, non-scheduled days, no one to report to, freedom. I am happy. I love it. I¬†don’t like¬†having a routine to follow. It’s also the end of thirty-three years of routine, schedules, reporting to parents, teachers and bosses. It’s like reprogramming my system to¬†live a completely different life. I’ve been programmed that you ‘have’ to work for a company with a boss to survive. You ‘have’ to have money to live. You¬†do what society expects from you. For the past five months, I have done exactly the opposite.

My body is in shock. It’s grieving. It has realized that this is it. This is how it was meant to live. There’s no turning back, I’m too happy. So I grieve. I have reached the point where I don’t know what to do now. It’s like I am at the point of no return and I am confused about how to keep moving forward. Looking at the future right now is like looking into the abyss. Although it’s really like that all the time, we never know what tomorrow will bring, but¬†in my case right now, I¬†am letting myself feel it more. I face the unknown in a much stronger way than I used to.

Two years ago, I spent a weekend at a solitary camp not far from where I live. I needed the isolation from reality, and the quiet of the country. I got there the Friday around dinner time. It’s a great place. I had my individual cabin, with a wood stove and no electricity. It was amazing. I walked in trails all over the huge, wooded property. I was at peace. I would go pick up my food at the ‘kitchen’, a cabin near the entrance of the property,¬†and bring it back to¬†my cabin to cook it. Simple foods were always on the menu:¬†potatoes, cucumbers, tomatoes, all kinds of veggies, fruit, cheese, milk, whole grains, … I picked up my water at¬†a source about a 7 minute walk¬†from my cabin.

The weekend was going so well. I was getting my energy back, energy I had been lacking for years. I was talking to no one (which is mandatory at this camp). Being an introvert, working in a very open area full of contractors at the time, plus raising a family at home, I never had, or took rather, the time to be by myself, to be quiet. So this weekend was a God send.

Sunday morning, I go out for a walk in a trail in the woods. After being out for about twenty minutes, I hear howling… like a wolf. Struck with panic, I freeze for a moment, trying to talk myself into just keep going.¬†I loose it and¬†turn around and run back to my cabin. I think it took me five minutes to run back. I catch my breath and make myself some¬†lunch. While eating, I can’t get out of my head: “What am I doing here? I should be home with the kids. I want to go home.” My husband was picking me up the next day after dinner. I still had a day and a half to go. “Oh God, what now?”

I lay on my bed, crying, scared that I wasn’t doing the right thing. I decide to walk to the main house to call home so my husband can pick me up that same day. I knock on the door, a priest appears in the doorway. The place is run by Catholic priests, they don’t talk religion at all, unless you bring it up. Which is good for me, because I don’t practice anymore. They are there to listen if you need to talk. When I suggest I want to call home to leave, he kindly asks me to sit and chat before I do so. So I sit. He explained to me that I was at the point where my body was relaxed, I was truly with myself, and my body was starting to panic because¬†it wasn’t used to that. I was used to always being busy, always having something to do, so I was now feeling guilty¬†because I wasn’t¬†‘doing anything’. He suggested I stick around just to see what would happen, to keep myself ‘busy’ by reading the books I had brought or by drawing. So I did, and how glad¬†was I to have stuck around!

The Monday was amazing. I starting seeing things around me in a completely different light. It’s like I could truly see life. I heard things I had never heard before. I went back to my favorite¬†spots to take mental pictures so I could return whenever I wanted in my dreams. At the end of the day, I was waiting for my husband and kids. I sat on a bench up on a hill. I had an amazing view. The wind was blowing¬†gently on my cheek. I closed my eyes to feel it more. Then I heard a voice. I was channelling my guide for the first time. I was truly at peace with myself. I was grounded and¬†centered. Holding on despite what my head was telling me was the best thing I could have done.

What I am feeling today, the confusion about where I am going, what I should be doing, is just like what I was feeling that Sunday afternoon. I think I should find myself a job, what I am doing is ridiculous. Who am I to ‘defy’ what society expects from me? You see,¬†I am about to embark in the greatest journey¬†of my life, and my body is resisting it. It’s trying to bring¬†me back to what it’s used to — to the¬†illusion of¬†safety. I just have to stick with it. I have to keep riding¬†the wave and not look back. ¬†¬†