When depression hits and you didn’t even realize it was coming… January 17, 2012
Posted by greenlavender in Emotions, Healing, Health, Personal.add a comment
- Me depressed? Pfffttt. No way, not me. I’m just a little tired… and my muscles ache a bit… and I’m a bit uninterested in stuff.
- What stuff?
- Stuff, you know. Like… stuff.
- Stuff? What are you interested in doing?
- Huh… well, let’s see. Maybe painting? Nah, I don’t feel like it, I have to clean the brushes after. Making a short film! Nah, too much work, there’s the editing, and… you know. Writing a review of the headphones I just bought! Urgghh, I don’t know what to say. Huh, I don’t know, really.
- Didn’t you say you had a headache too?
- Yeah, I’ve been having them for a while now. It’s really annoying, I think it’s just tension.
- Hmmm. You’re depressed my dear.
- Noooo, I swear I’m just a bit tired.
- A bit?
- Okay, a lot.
- So you are tired (a lot), your muscles ache, you have constant headaches and you’re uninterested in “stuff”. Think of what you dream of doing right now… Do you feel like crying?
- Wha…? Hu…? <clears throat> Nahhh. <tear rolls down cheek>… Oh damnit.
So, there’s my latest story. I haven’t touched my blog, I haven’t painted, I haven’t produced the 3 short films I have been wanting to do, all that in a year.
My sleep is deeply troubled (I once woke up 4 times standing in 4 different rooms of the house in one night); I am easily irritated, impatient, snappy… all that really unpleasant stuff. My muscles have been aching for months, my arms and legs are weak, I am always stiff in the neck, shoulders and back. And… I have been feeling like crying, a lot.
- I’m sorry it’s taken me that long to admit it.
- You don’t have to apologize. Give yourself forgiveness. You do what you can with what you know, always. You have a lesson to learn in this experience. You’ll figure out what it is soon enough.
- How do I get out of it?
- Will.
- Will who?
- No. <laugh> Your own will. Do you want to get out of depression and live a happy life again?
- Yes, very much.
- Then follow your heart, it will lead you to the right places and people.
- Follow my heart… It’s a little hard since I haven’t followed it in a year. Huh, there’s my problem.
- Exactly. Are you scared?
- Yes.
- Express your fear and move on.
- How?
- Find the positive in situations or projects, focus on what you really want and not what you don’t want. Take some time for yourself to quiet your thoughts. Let yourself cry. Express your fear. Then move on.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure. I’m always here for you.
This was a conversation I had… with my heart. Now to follow it.
Honesty January 10, 2011
Posted by greenlavender in Emotions, Healing, Personal.add a comment
What is honesty? Honesty is being truthful, acknowledging what is true and accepting it for what it is.
The most important thing for a human being is to be honest with thyself. Being honest with our own self allows us to see the truth in others even when they don’t see it themselves. It allows us to be free of judgement and free of pain. When we deny our true feelings, when we mask them with others, we cause suffering within our body. This suffering transforms itself into disease.
Realize we are all human beings with feelings, there is nothing to hide. Be aware of your true feelings. Learn to feel again.
I See You September 29, 2010
Posted by greenlavender in Art, Emotions, Life, Love, Personal, Poetry.add a comment
I see you on the sidewalk
I see you in your car
I see you in the hall
I see you
I see you and I smile
I see your presence
I see your past
I see you and I cry
I see your life
I see your pain
I see your despair
I see you and I cry
I see your heart
I see your hope
I see your future
I see you and I smile
When Life Throws You A Curve Ball and You Love It! August 10, 2010
Posted by greenlavender in Acting, Personal.add a comment
I had my life all planned out:
- Quit my government job to pursue acting
- Start my web design and consultation company to pay the bills until I get acting gigs
- Work my butt off to get acting jobs
- Get an acting gig that will allow me to get more acting gigs
- Produce and direct my short screenplays
- Stop doing web design and consultation
- Get more acting gigs
- Produce and direct feature films
…
Where am I now?
I have:
- Quit my government job to pursue acting
- Started my web design and consultation company to pay the bills until I get acting gigs
- Worked my butt off to get acting jobs (the work my butt off part is done and keeps going)
- Started another government job… HUH?
Yup, I’ve gone back to the government. You know the expression “be careful what you wish for ’cause you just might get it?” Ok, that’s the PD’s version but you know the one I’m talking about. Well, it’s true. Before quitting the government, I had told myself that if I could find a web business analyst job that was exciting, with a great team, I would stay. I didn’t find it… then. Last October, surprise! After quite a few months of focussing strictly on acting and tired of being broke, I realized I was pushing things. I wasn’t ready yet for a full-time acting career and that’s why it hadn’t happened. You see, when you force your life to go a certain way, things don’t go so smoothly. So, I started looking for web business analyst contracts for the … drum roll… GOVERNMENT!
And so I found one. You know what the best part is? With the same division I was previously. Part of the team had remained, which was awesome, and the new ones just as awesome. I am having a blast. I never saw it coming.
What about my acting career? Well, my new boss was a great colleague back in 2007 when I quit. She is fully aware of my dream and also very supportive. I am free to go to auditions when opportunities arise.
Because I love my job, I don’t feel desperate about getting acting gigs anymore, so I feel I can be selective. I know the day will come when I get that ideal role, that role I ask for every day. I feel it in my gut. It will happen when I am ready, when it is meant to be. I keep promoting myself and I am currently developing a strategy to get myself noticed. I also keep working on my screenplays.
I’ve got it all! What can I say? Oh, and I’m not broke anymore. 
