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What not to be, or… To be? June 4, 2012

Posted by greenlavender in "Time For Me" Blogs, Emotions, Family, Healing, Health, Life, Personal, Spirituality/ Well-Being Links.
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My last post freaked out my Mom. Can’t say I blame her, she’s a mother and her only kid writes to the world that she’s depressed. The thing is, I am so in touch with my body that I know when something is “wrong” and know that I need to change something, so I wasn’t worried. That being said, you might ask why, if I am so in touch with my  body, did I let it get as far as depression.
The answer is… I am human. I can resist change as much as the next person. I knew for quite a while that I was resisting changes happening in my and my family’s life, but my belief about what I thought I “had” to do during that period was overpowering my instinct to just “chill” and ride the wave. And that is… Ok.
I went through (and still am a bit) a rough period in which I have learned a lot about my way of thinking and reacting to certain situations, and I am adapting.
My major lesson boiled down to my quote in my blog’s header: “Chill, life is what you make of it”. And also that my only “mission” in life is as simple as “to be”, not try to be anything or anybody.
So, I started singing lessons. 🙂

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When depression hits and you didn’t even realize it was coming… January 17, 2012

Posted by greenlavender in Emotions, Healing, Health, Personal.
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– Me depressed? Pfffttt. No way, not me. I’m just a little tired… and my muscles ache a bit… and I’m a bit uninterested in stuff.

– What stuff?

– Stuff, you know. Like… stuff.

– Stuff? What are you interested in doing?

– Huh… well, let’s see. Maybe painting? Nah, I don’t feel like it, I have to clean the brushes after. Making a short film! Nah, too much work, there’s the editing, and… you know. Writing a review of the headphones I just bought! Urgghh, I don’t know what to say. Huh, I don’t know, really.

– Didn’t you say you had a headache too?

– Yeah, I’ve been having them for a while now. It’s really annoying, I think it’s just tension.

– Hmmm. You’re depressed my dear.

– Noooo, I swear I’m just a bit tired.

– A bit?

– Okay, a lot.

– So you are tired (a lot), your muscles ache, you have constant headaches and you’re uninterested in “stuff”. Think of what you dream of doing right now… Do you feel like crying?

– Wha…? Hu…? <clears throat> Nahhh. <tear rolls down cheek>… Oh damnit.

So, there’s my latest story. I haven’t touched my blog, I haven’t painted, I haven’t produced the 3 short films I have been wanting to do, all that in a year. 

My sleep is deeply troubled (I once woke up 4 times standing in 4 different rooms of the house in one night); I am easily irritated, impatient, snappy… all that really unpleasant stuff. My muscles have been aching for months, my arms and legs are weak, I am always stiff in the neck, shoulders and back. And… I have been feeling like crying, a lot.

– I’m sorry it’s taken me that long to admit it.

– You don’t have to apologize. Give yourself forgiveness. You do what you can with what you know, always. You have a lesson to learn in this experience. You’ll figure out what it is soon enough.

– How do I get out of it?

– Will.

– Will who?

– No. <laugh> Your own will. Do you want to get out of depression and live a happy life again?

– Yes, very much.

– Then follow your heart, it will lead you to the right places and people.

– Follow my heart… It’s a little hard since I haven’t followed it in a year. Huh, there’s my problem.

– Exactly. Are you scared?

– Yes.

– Express your fear and move on.

– How?

– Find the positive in situations or projects, focus on what you really want and not what you don’t want. Take some time for yourself to quiet your thoughts. Let yourself cry. Express your fear. Then move on.

– Thank you.

– My pleasure. I’m always here for you.

This was a conversation I had… with my heart. Now to follow it.

Honesty January 10, 2011

Posted by greenlavender in Emotions, Healing, Personal.
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What is honesty? Honesty is being truthful, acknowledging what is true and accepting it for what it is.

The most important thing for a human being is to be honest with thyself. Being honest with our own self allows us to see the truth in others even when they don’t see it themselves. It allows us to be free of judgement and free of pain. When we deny our true feelings, when we mask them with others, we cause suffering within our body. This suffering transforms itself into disease.

Realize we are all human beings with feelings, there is nothing to hide. Be aware of your true feelings. Learn to feel again.

I See You September 29, 2010

Posted by greenlavender in Art, Emotions, Life, Love, Personal, Poetry.
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I see you on the sidewalk
I see you in your car
I see you in the hall
I see you

I see you and I smile
I see your presence
I see your past
I see you and I cry

I see your life
I see your pain
I see your despair
I see you and I cry

I see your heart
I see your hope
I see your future
I see you and I smile